Circular it becomes. How can it truly know all of itself, unless it does not know all of itself? The faculties of our mind seem confined to themselves, forever professing a faith in the divine. How do you escape circular reason? By declaring the answer devoid of reason and naming it faith. But therein lies the caveat. One many do not admit or do not see.
How can God be capable of everything? It would mean he can create anything imaginable and unimaginable. Including 'a rock so heavy not even he could lift it'. Yet he is capable of everything so there he must be able to lift it?
I saw my reflection. Saw the light from under the door frame filter into the pitch blackness. Everyone always said the night sky was black but it never seemed that way to me. Always a slightly visible wavelength. There is even a name for the color you see in "pitch blackness", because there is no true absolute darkness. Not even in the night sky. Because if the universe went on forever, stars would cover every possible angle in the sky, with no determined time for the light to reach us, the sky should have blended to white by now. But I digress. Again.
Or have I? Amidst the endless definitions of a 'soul' or 'consciousness' or 'time' for that matter, is one underlying, overpowering footnote: nobody has any fucking clue what they are. Not one. To do so, one must grasp infinity and nothingness. Not the concept of nothingness. The true value, the quantity of non-existence. Hell, maybe even divide by zero if they're ballsy.
How I hate that laugh. Echoing slightly, so I can feel it reverberating in the room in addition to hearing it. I can see the door close and the light from the room escape while it still can.
How do we judge then if a soul is 'good' or 'evil'? If God judges the 'pure' from the 'wicked', and if he created the universe, that means:
A) Judgment is by its own nature possible of misjudgment. Otherwise it 'would just be occurring'.
B) If he chose to create the universe, there was a minuscule moment just before creation when he hesitated. The moment right before He created might have created a different universe. In fact it completely would have been different based simply on that alone.
So, God is confined by choice
as well. How fitting 'we are in his own image'. Most forget Adam ate from the Tree of Knowledge only knowing it was against God's will. Only after he defied God was the morality of his act brought into existence. Meaning he also had no reason not to trust the snake. Or Eve, whom from his point of view was his other half and his passion incarnate, his trust in human form. He simply made a choice. How Godly of him.
It all seems quite circular doesn't it?
Like looking in a mirror.
But what do you say when you look into that mirror and realize that truth? How do you begin? What do you feel? Do you breathe, see your reflections chest inflate and decompress, and not feel the same air and breath? Do you accuse it of stealing your air? Your soul when you look into its eyes?
Is it a cheap imitation or is it only seen by your eyes and you create it in your own image?
In the bathroom, in my dream, in my reflection, and in my eyes most of all, the only thing that could pierce the veil of that eternal moment was the drip of water from the faucet. Until I saw it stop. Just stop. That eternity just became an eternity. It imploded outwards and exploded to its core, surpassing its potential and being restrained by the chains of nothingness. It was a level of awareness I had never felt. I kept expecting the drop of water to reach the sink but it never did. It just continually fell in the same position, moving but somehow not. Like me.
It was horrifyingly, excruciatingly, viscerally liberating.
That's when I heard its voice.
Part IV to come soon.
Keywords: philosophy, dreams, lucid, fear, mirror
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